


The Ornithorhyncus Affair

by sencha



Category: Penguins of Madagascar
Genre: Gen, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 17:41:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/600415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sencha/pseuds/sencha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The zoo is visited by a strange creature who bears a striking resemblance to Marlene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ornithorhyncus Affair

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Keenir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keenir/gifts).



 

“Eaurgh!” squealed Julien, batting furiously at the tiny creature. “Begone, you slimy monster of the pond!”

 

Mort giggled. Julien paused in the middle of yanking the animal off his face and glared at his subordinate.

 

“Excuse me, Mort, but were you just laughing at me?”

 

Mort stuffed his tail in his mouth.

 

“I am sorry, King Julien. It is just that your face is so fluffy.”

 

Julien wrestled the tiny creature off his face and threw it into the penguins’ den.

 

“There,” he said. “Freedom from the tiny duck-Marleen at last!”

 

Mort swooned.

 

“Yay King Julien!”

 

 

 

The entrance to the penguins’ den opened with a clunk. A small, furry creature bounced down the stairs and onto the stone table. Skipper retrieved his cards from under the strange intruder and smirked.

 

“Looks like I win again, boys. Rico, get rid of the furball.”

 

A pile of explosives appeared In the middle of the room; Rico danced around it, caressing a stick of dynamite. Skipper slapped a fin across his forehead.

 

“ _Without_ the use of weaponry, soldier.”

 

Rico pouted.

 

“Aw man.”

 

 

 

“It appears this unsightly animal is in fact an Australian mammal named the _Ornithorhynchus anatinus_. It is one of the only existing species that lays eggs instead of giving birth to live young!” Kowalski’s eyes were shining with glee.

 

“The Ornithorhywhaddawha?” asked Skipper. Kowalski rolled his eyes.

 

“The _Ornithorynchu_ – ”

 

Skipper slapped him.

 

“That was a rhetorical question. I spent three years in Shanghai and a couple of hours in Japan on the way over to this country, and that name is barely within my dictionary. Poor Private’s completely lost.”

 

Kowalski scowled. He flipped over some pages and pointed to a sign saying ‘FREE SOUP’.

 

“As you can see from this billboard, the _Ornithorhynchus anatinus_ is also known as the platypus.”

 

“Still weird,” said Skipper, “but at least Private can pronounce it.”

 

“Excuse me for intruding on your funny little penguin party,” said Julien, picking at his teeth with a stray playing card, “but I need to borrow the explodey penguin so I can arm my kingdom against the duck-Marleen.”

 

“Ringtail!” cried Skipper. “How did you get into our super-secret laboratory?”

 

Julien flicked the card at Skipper, who dodged it, shuddering. The self-proclaimed King of the lemurs probably had all sorts of diseases that Skipper did not have time to deal with, especially with a possibly rabid platypus on the loose.

 

“I come in here all the time to pick up some spare gum and things," Julien replied. "The tall ugly penguin has a lot of nice things in here.”

 

He wandered over to a big rocket and unscrewed a lightbulb.

 

“Just what I need for my disco ball!”

 

Kowalski gaped.

 

“That was my new hypertronic salmon smoker!”

 

“Well,” said Skipper, folding his arms across his chest, “now we know why Kowalski’s inventions never work. Although really, Kowalski, haven’t you ever heard of a quality check?”

 

“Of course I have!” protested the scientist. “I’ve just...never actually performed one.”

 

Skipper sighed.

 

“I’ll be talking to you about your workplace habits later, Kowalski. More importantly, how does Ringtail know your password? Isn’t it supposed to be tip top-secret, ten miles long and impossible to crack?”

 

“Kowalski likes Doris too,” Mort giggled. Julien stepped on Mort a few times as a reward before kicking him to the other side of the laboratory.

 

“Kowalski!” groaned Skipper. “What did I say about keeping your work separate from you private life?”

 

“Doris has nothing to do with me!” objected the tall penguin. He wiped a tear from his eye. “At least…not anymore.”

 

“Enough of this fluffy-wuffy hoohaa,” said Skipper. “Pull yourself together, Kowalski. We have a wild platypus interrupting penguin card games and we have got to deal with it. I need options.”

 

Kowalski scanned the room. It was empty of any animals save for the penguins, and Julien’s screams could be heard from above the hideout.

 

“First, we could find the platypus and save Julien.”

 

Skipper smiled dreamily as Julien released yet another bloodcurdling shriek.

 

“In a minute, Kowalski.”

 

 

 

Whenever Marleen was woken from her sweet dreams of Latin-American otters serenading her with their Spanish guitars, the offender was either the penguins or Julien.

 

“Marleen! Get your duck-Marleen mini you off of the royal booty!”

 

Julien. She wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or disgusted. Still, if she didn’t at least let him talk, she wouldn’t be getting any sleep at all tonight. She hopped out of bed and rubbed her eyes. Julien seemed a little livelier than usual, but he looked as ugly as always. He probably wanted to borrow her shampoo again.

 

Mort whimpered; she patted him absently on the head. It must be difficult for the poor guy to live with such an insane leader.

 

“What did you do – what is _that_?”

 

The platypus scrambled around the flailing lemur, seemingly impervious to the noise and prodding toes around it. Intrigued, Marlene drew closer to the brown bundle. It did look a little like her…if she’d had to fill in for both Mama Duck and the beavers during the annual beauty pageant at the same time. Not that she wouldn’t be able to pull of the look, but on this animal, it just looked _odd_.

 

“This,” said Julien, bouncing it on his foot as if it were a soccer ball, “is like a mini you, only a little bit cuter. I call it a duck-Marleen.”

 

“A duck-Marleen?” cried Marleen indignantly. “I’ll show you a duck-Marleen, you – ”

 

Evidently, the platypus didn’t like the name much either. It jabbed its spurs hard into Julien’s ankle.

 

“It bit me!” shrieked Julien. “You foul monster, how dare you defile the kingly feet!”

 

Mort perked up. He had been watching that animal crawl around his King Julien for minutes because he hadn’t been sure whether his King Julien actually liked the feet-touching. Sometimes when Mort touched the royal feet, King Julien would say things like _get him off me!_ as well, but Mort knew that was just how his King Julien expressed his love for Mort.

 

King Julien had never called Mort a foul monster. Mort’s huge eyes narrowed minutely.

 

“You dare to touch King Julien’s feet?” he growled. “Only I may touch the royal feet! Take that! And that! And – ”

 

He stopped and panted for a moment, then returned to head-butting the creature angrily.

 

“And that!”

 

Belatedly, Mort realized he was head-butting a slimy penguin fin instead of making satisfying thump sounds on the furry creature’s body.

 

“Calm down, Sad-Eyes,” said Skipper. “We’re here to put that foot-destroying platypus right back where it belongs.”

 

Mort’s eyes filled to the brim with tears.

 

“Will King Julien’s feet ever be the same?”

 

Skipper shrugged.

 

“Ehh, I can’t say for sure. In the worst case scenario…”

 

The penguin commander squinted hard at Mort.

 

“We could be saying goodbye to Ringtail’s feet forever.”

 

Julien let out a horrified cry. Mort began to wail inconsolably.

 

“THE FEET, WHY, THE FEET?”

 

Kowalski handed Skipper some earmuffs.

 

“That’s twenty-two decibels higher than last time,” said the tall genius. “I do believe we have a new record.”

 

“Um, hello,” said Julien, waving, “I am in the middle of my death cry and I would appreciate if you all paid me some attention while I tell you how I am losing the feeling in my feet from when the duck-Marleen bit me.”

 

“Oh no!” gasped Private. “Kowalski, can’t you do something about that?”

 

“Sometimes you’ve just got to take the pain as it comes,” said Skipper, waving his fin dismissively. He curled his right fin in a fist and smacked it down on his left for emphasis. “That’s what being a soldier is all about.”

 

“I am not a soldier,” corrected Julien with a raised index finger. “I am a noble King who is on his deathbed.”

 

“A noble King!” echoed Mort tearfully.

 

“You’re a bunch o’ troublemakers, that’s what ya are,” came a new voice from across the fence. Joey punched the air a few times.

 

“Ya people ever heard of keeping the noise down at night?”

 

“There were circumstances beyond my control,” said Julien, then punctuated his words with a melodramatic gasp of pain that made even Skipper wince. “The duck-Marleen is as fierce as it is adorable.”

 

Joey’s face broke out into a wide grin.

 

“If it isn’t Steve, all the way from Hobart to visit me! Hey, Steve, mate, these guys been treating you alright?”

 

The platypus waddled toward Joey and scrambled up the kangaroo’s tail.

 

“I’m plum tuckered out,” he boomed in a surprisingly deep voice. “That flight’s no small deal, mate. I tell ya, my brain still can’t tell whether it’s supposed to be day or night.”

 

“The city is crazy,” agreed Joey. “My neighbours are a rude lot, too.”

 

“Well, excuse you!” interjected Private, puffing out his chest indignantly. “It’s rude to say mean things about other animals, too, especially when they can hear you!”

 

“I do really want to see the cute one get beaten up by the big kangaroo,” said Julien, “but when I said I couldn’t feel my feet, I actually meant I could feel them; I just didn’t want to because they hurt so much.”

 

 

 

Kowalski put down the magnifying glass next to the unconscious lemur and shook his head sadly.

 

“It appears that Steve the _Ornithorhynchus anatinus_ carries in the spurs on his legs a deadly concoction of poisonous venoms,” he declared.

 

“That’s terrible,” said Private. “Why would he do something like that?”

 

“Because the world is not full of roses and sunshine, Private!” yelled Kowalski suddenly. “The world is a jungle full of beasts that would devour you whole before you could smile at them!”

 

The scientist fell back, puffing. Skipper looked impressed.

 

“Well said, Kowalski. It seems like there’s only one thing to do.”

 

Rico pulled out a chainsaw eagerly and lifted it above Julien’s feet. Private shrank back and covered his Lunicorn’s eyes. Skipper knocked the chainsaw out of Rico's flippers and sent it skidding across the room, out of the window and over the zoo walls. From afar, a man could be heard lamenting the loss of his car.

 

“I stand corrected," said Skipper. "Seems like there are two options. Sorry, Rico, but we’re going to do things my way this time.”

 

Rico muttered something that sounded suspiciously like _blah blah, no fun_.

 

 

 

“Are you sure this is okay?” asked Private warily. Skipper draped Julien’s prone form over a branch and flipped back behind a lamp post.

 

“Absolutely not,” he said. “But if anyone can fix Ringtail, it’s this guy.”

 

Leonard scrambled down the tree warily.

 

"Who's there?" he called. "If it's you penguins again, I'll...oh, it's you."

 

He picked up Julien and put on his glasses, relaxing visibly when he couldn’t see any sign of the penguins.

 

“Classic Steve,” the koala said, shaking his head. “Nothing much I can do about it. The effects will wear off in – ”

 

Dawn broke. Leonard dropped onto the branch and began to snore.

 

“Isn’t that cute,” cooed Skipper. “Well, men, it looks like our job here is done.”

 

 

 

“I can’t help wondering why the excruciating pain didn’t set in immediately after Julien was stung,” said Kowalski. “I didn’t think lemurs had that sort of pain-suppression reflex, and yet Julien was able to delay the onset of pain until his brain determined we would pay attention to him. I just can't understand it!"

 

The last sentence was punctuated by several muffled thumps. Skipper confiscated the notebook before Kowalski could destroy any more brain cells with it and threw it to Rico. A cloud of ash filled the air to the accompaniment of Kowalski strangled sobs.

 

“Chin up, soldier,” said Skipper. “Ringtail’s stupid, so I bet it takes a week or so for his pain receptors to travel all the way to his tiny brain.”

 

They heard an agonized scream from Leonard’s habitat.

 

Private fidgeted nervously.

 

“Shouldn’t we, you know, do something? Like, give him painkillers, or other little white pills.”

 

“That’s a negative on that one, soldier,” said Skipper. “Didn’t you hear the koala? Nothing we can do.”


End file.
